Perhaps the most boring LJ in exsistence?

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 00:54:30 GMT

Well, it's Christmas Day (kind of!), can't say I'm looking forward to later when I go up to my mum's, to be honest I don't think I've got anything to be celebrate and I find little pleasure in watching other people happy right now.

I know it's horribly selfish of me, but all I can think of at the moment is Sarah, stupid really I should be over her, especially after what she did to me but I find myself thinking of some of the good times we had. I cut off all contact with her because I was afraid of feeling like this, I hate the longing and not being able to do anything about it.

Maybe it's just that I'm so lonely right now, I don't really have anyone I can be close with, I've got friends to talk to and socialise with, but it's not the same as having someone you can feel safe with.

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 23:31:59 GMT

I'm feeling philosophical again, this time it's not so much a negative feeling as more of a realisation.

I'm alone in this world, with a precious few people who'd be upset if I disappeared. It's not meant to be dismisive of the people who do still care about me, but for me I spend a lot of my time cut off from the world and I think I do it intentionally.

I've been through a lot this past year, I've lost a lot of the things that I used to define myself, a lot of things that I'd felt I had achieved and that were good in my life. What I am left with though, seems to be the true core of who I am.

I do try and reach out to people now and again, but honestly, I'm fearful that they don't want me. It's the same problem I had with Sarah, I wanted to be loved and cared for, but didn't know the right way to ask without getting hurt. I still cannot accept people being nasty to me, I still don't understand why people do that in such a deliberate way. When I hurt someone it's very momentary, a flash of anger and it's done. The only reason I ever hold grudges is because I believe it protects me better, cutting myself off from the stimulus that's caused pain. Of course, it doesn't really work that way, because it costs more energy to actively deny something or someone than it would do to just forget about it and move on.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I understand why no one really cares about me anymore, I just don't seem to be able to be pro-active, I sit back and let the world come to me if it wants to, instead of seeking out new things to try. I also find it hard to understand why this is fundementally a bad way to live, because whilst I do miss social interaction from time to time, it still doesn't seem enough to simply *want* it.

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 23:19:18 GMT

Well, things look better today. got my car repaired this morning even though it costs £250 :(
Still feeling a bit stressed about everything, but at least I managed to sort everything out, and seemingly without getting yelled at by work (so far at least!)

I hate my life! :(

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 22:39:46 GMT

Ok, as if I didn't have enough stress with Christmas only a few days away, my car's fucked :( Windscreen wipers are completely fubar, I've replaced half a dozen fuses and each time the same thing, they burn out within seconds of being installed. Obviously with all the crappy weather atm, I can't drive the car, so I can't go to work and I can't go and see my mum at Christmas.

I've got no money to pay for a repair on the car and right now I'm really thinking this is a sign to end it all because I'm obviously not cut out to live as an adult in the real world :(

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 14:37:37 GMT

When will I ever learn, cutting myself off from everything doesn't work, it only delays the upset for a little while and probably even makes it worse. I hate that my life has made me this way, so scared and isolated from everything and everyone.

All I seem capable of is doing what I want, focusing on what I need, all my mum wants at Christmas is two lousy days of my life and I don't know if I can even manage that for fear of crying like I am now. I hate Sarah for leaving me to this, I didn't mean to scare her so, I just didn't know how else to say I'm in pain, please help me., I still can't even ask for help properly from the world.

I so badly want to cut myself again, and yet I know it does nothigng good, please don't be frighting for me, this will pass in time.

Warcraft

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 21:34:44 GMT

Well, I'm happy did my first real test as a raid leader today, organising a 10 man team as our main 25 man run was undersubscribed. Managed to cope with last minute substitutions, swapping and changing those that were saved but had still signed up.

Kept everyone happy and relaxed even though I messed up one of the add ons, awarding gear points when we don't use them in the 10 mans runs. Even got combat logs uploaded and discovered a shiny Instant Messenger program for WoW that moves all your /w into seperate boxes as long as you're out of combat.

All in all, a good time and at least worth noting as an accomplishment

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 22:57:26 GMT

I don't understand how people can plan for the future, for me, I live in the moment and let everything else wash over me. Occasionally I'll anticipate something that may lie a few weeks into the future but that's about as far as it goes.

Can't still be the depression doing this, that's pretty much under control, guess it's just me

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 10:21:52 GMT

On the twelfth day of Christmas, pmp sent to me...

Twelve sherbetsaucers drumming

Eleven sea_cucumbers piping

Ten cryxs a-leaping

Nine azrayus dancing

Eight rebeccalou82s a-milking

Seven blueberrycowboys a-swimming

Six asitarajas a-reading

Five la-a-a-anfykins

Four baldurs_voices

Three adzes

Two role-playing games

...and a larp in a badgersandjam.

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 17:02:45 GMT

The Beer Bunny!

That is all :)

Urrggghhh

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 16:23:18 GMT

I can't believe I slept from 2am till 15:30ish pm.... Though I did have weird dreams where I was on an old steamboat as it explored the river of a strange island. Reminded me a lot of Call of Cthulhu

Favour for a friend

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:10:19 GMT

A friend at work asked me to try and get more votes for his child in a modelling contest

http://apps.facebook.com/nextonline/gallery/show_entry/142849/?entry_page=1

Why is it?

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 15:18:41 GMT

Whenever I start feeling down that I turn into some kind of species of feline who'se sole goal in life is to sleep till at least 14:00 and stays awake till OMG O'clock in the morning (so called for the reaction to reading the time)

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 22:37:38 GMT

I think I may have found a new reason to get into debt!

http://www.jinx.com/men?name=&instock=&colorid=&sizeid=&tcid=1&cid=3&scid=&ps=&sort=nameAZ

http://www.jinx.com/collections/world_of_warcraft?tcid=1

I'll take one of everything please!!

Update

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 08:00:37 GMT

Ok, yesterday was a good day, work wasn't stressful (though was kinda quiet), roleplaying was fun and relaxed for the most part and I got my violet proto-drake after a year's worth of work in WoW.

Whilst this morning isn't fun as my uvula has swollen up overnight (I was probably snoring and my mouth dried out), I'm not doing too badly all told.

Yay!!! Violet-Proto Drake is mine!!!!!!!

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 00:01:36 GMT

Update

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 23:44:59 GMT

It's funny how some moods just come along and take you, I was busy uploading a character sheet for tomorrow's Deadland's game to GoogleDocs so I could print it at work when I noticed all the short stories I'd written whilst playing in the Zeitgeist games. It reminded me off the different characters I had, and how easy it was to slip between the different goals but also how similiar they were in some respects.

For example, none of my characters ever really fitted into the ZG world, sure they were tolerated and allowed to keep coming, but I never played by the same rules as anyone else. Access was a sociopathic monster motivated only by the thought of power and survival and Shadow didn't really follow the whole Garou mindset, something that got him into trouble time and time again.

I can't help but draw parallel's to how my own life has progressed, how my desire to protect myself from hurt means I cause immense damage to people around me, and how I don't always follow the rules or the expectations of others.

Incidentally I think my therapist is reaching a fairly solid diagnosis for what's happened to me, she seems to be focusing on a few things that would be associated with borderline personality disorder, which whilst isn't a good thing to suffer from, at least it helps me understand myself a bit better. Especially the parts about how interpersonal relationships are affected and frequently break down. The downside being is that if she's right, then there's sod all that can be done to cure me, and the best I can hope for is to just be able to cope with it.

Owww :(

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 09:13:30 GMT

In a lot of pain here, have been since late last night/early this morning. Currently feels like my insides are being ripped out and I've got no idea why :( though I'm pretty sure I'm bringing up a little blood (could be from my throat though as it's mixed in with mucus)

Waiting to see my GP atm, but can't get an appointment till mid morning. Can't sleep for risk of missing the appointment and I've got no painkillers in my room.

Headaches

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:33:10 GMT

Still getting these constant headaches at work, seems to be around this time of day virtually every day now :(

With everything else going on, I don't have *time* for a doctor's or opticians appointment, and quite frankly, don't have the money either.

Previous Meme

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 12:38:19 GMT

Did this meme previously, http://pmp.livejournal.com/111674.html, and it looks like the results have gotten worse, not better.

Reading back over my LJ I'd really forgotton just how long I've been unstable, looks like things started going wrong shortly after the wedding, and I hate to say it, it looks like a lot of my problems started with Sarah's odd behaviour which in turn trigged something in me

*sigh*

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Very High
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	High
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	High
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Very High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 11:32:14 GMT

Looking at the packet of painkillers I bought at the start of the week I've used *far* too many trying to shift these damn headaches :(

Maybe it's time to admit defeat and give up with life :(

Writer's Block: Job search

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 08:12:28 GMT

Are you happy at your current job? Do you think there's such a thing as a dream job? What do you want to be doing five or ten years from now? How are you working towards that?

View Answers

This one is a tough question to answer for me, because I'm not really sure what I enjoy doing in the working world and I certainly don't have enough knowledge of all the various types of jobs out there to find what would suit me best.

Various things that have been thrown at me before are things like chef/caterer, builder (???), architect or counsellor, but in all honesty, I can't see myself doing any of them. The only thing I've ever been *good* at at work is working with data, pulling it together, running analysis and publishing various reports.

Arrrgggh!

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 14:09:13 GMT

Today is horrendously busy at work, Sazzy's gone away again to her mum's and I'm left alone again :(

"It's not that I expect to be happy all the time, I just want to stop being sad all the time"

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 16:06:55 GMT

That's how I summed up things to my therapist and the more I think about it, the more I realise how apt it really is. The depression looks like it's going to be with me for a lot longer than usual this time, it's been nearly a year since I started getting down and no matter what I do or what drugs I take, things really don't hold together for very long.

Saved for my reference

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:11:39 GMT

"You awaken to the sound of hazard alarms, you try to sit up but find you're restrained by a heavy harness, looking around you see several other figures held in place by similiar harnesses but it's hard to make out details in the pale amber emergancy lighting and occasional sparks from the damaged circuits

You try to remember where you are or why you might be onboard this vehicle but the details are still fuzzy, you have a faint recall a pilot screaming at you to brace for impact but anything in the last few months is a blur

What do you do?"

Note to self

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 11:25:12 GMT

Willpower is NOT a dump stat.... but Dark Hersey rulebooks do indeed look shinyshiny :)