Perhaps the most boring LJ in exsistence?

I can't believe I slept from 2am till 15:30ish pm.... Though I did have weird dreams where I was on an old steamboat as it explored the river of a strange island. Reminded me a lot of Call of Cthulhu

A friend at work asked me to try and get more votes for his child in a modelling contest

http://apps.facebook.com/nextonline/gallery/show_entry/142849/?entry_page=1

Whenever I start feeling down that I turn into some kind of species of feline who'se sole goal in life is to sleep till at least 14:00 and stays awake till OMG O'clock in the morning (so called for the reaction to reading the time)

I think I may have found a new reason to get into debt!

http://www.jinx.com/men?name=&instock=&colorid=&sizeid=&tcid=1&cid=3&scid=&ps=&sort=nameAZ

http://www.jinx.com/collections/world_of_warcraft?tcid=1

I'll take one of everything please!!

Ok, yesterday was a good day, work wasn't stressful (though was kinda quiet), roleplaying was fun and relaxed for the most part and I got my violet proto-drake after a year's worth of work in WoW.

Whilst this morning isn't fun as my uvula has swollen up overnight (I was probably snoring and my mouth dried out), I'm not doing too badly all told.

It's funny how some moods just come along and take you, I was busy uploading a character sheet for tomorrow's Deadland's game to GoogleDocs so I could print it at work when I noticed all the short stories I'd written whilst playing in the Zeitgeist games. It reminded me off the different characters I had, and how easy it was to slip between the different goals but also how similiar they were in some respects.

For example, none of my characters ever really fitted into the ZG world, sure they were tolerated and allowed to keep coming, but I never played by the same rules as anyone else. Access was a sociopathic monster motivated only by the thought of power and survival and Shadow didn't really follow the whole Garou mindset, something that got him into trouble time and time again.


I can't help but draw parallel's to how my own life has progressed, how my desire to protect myself from hurt means I cause immense damage to people around me, and how I don't always follow the rules or the expectations of others.


Incidentally I think my therapist is reaching a fairly solid diagnosis for what's happened to me, she seems to be focusing on a few things that would be associated with borderline personality disorder, which whilst isn't a good thing to suffer from, at least it helps me understand myself a bit better. Especially the parts about how interpersonal relationships are affected and frequently break down. The downside being is that if she's right, then there's sod all that can be done to cure me, and the best I can hope for is to just be able to cope with it.

In a lot of pain here, have been since late last night/early this morning. Currently feels like my insides are being ripped out and I've got no idea why :( though I'm pretty sure I'm bringing up a little blood (could be from my throat though as it's mixed in with mucus)

Waiting to see my GP atm, but can't get an appointment till mid morning. Can't sleep for risk of missing the appointment and I've got no painkillers in my room.

Still getting these constant headaches at work, seems to be around this time of day virtually every day now :(

With everything else going on, I don't have *time* for a doctor's or opticians appointment, and quite frankly, don't have the money either.

Did this meme previously, http://pmp.livejournal.com/111674.html, and it looks like the results have gotten worse, not better.


Reading back over my LJ I'd really forgotton just how long I've been unstable, looks like things started going wrong shortly after the wedding, and I hate to say it, it looks like a lot of my problems started with Sarah's odd behaviour which in turn trigged something in me

*sigh*

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Very High
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	High
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	High
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Very High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Looking at the packet of painkillers I bought at the start of the week I've used *far* too many trying to shift these damn headaches :(

Maybe it's time to admit defeat and give up with life :(

This one is a tough question to answer for me, because I'm not really sure what I enjoy doing in the working world and I certainly don't have enough knowledge of all the various types of jobs out there to find what would suit me best.

Various things that have been thrown at me before are things like chef/caterer, builder (???), architect or counsellor, but in all honesty, I can't see myself doing any of them. The only thing I've ever been *good* at at work is working with data, pulling it together, running analysis and publishing various reports.

Today is horrendously busy at work, Sazzy's gone away again to her mum's and I'm left alone again :(

That's how I summed up things to my therapist and the more I think about it, the more I realise how apt it really is. The depression looks like it's going to be with me for a lot longer than usual this time, it's been nearly a year since I started getting down and no matter what I do or what drugs I take, things really don't hold together for very long.

"You awaken to the sound of hazard alarms, you try to sit up but find you're restrained by a heavy harness, looking around you see several other figures held in place by similiar harnesses but it's hard to make out details in the pale amber emergancy lighting and occasional sparks from the damaged circuits

You try to remember where you are or why you might be onboard this vehicle but the details are still fuzzy, you have a faint recall a pilot screaming at you to brace for impact but anything in the last few months is a blur

What do you do?"

Willpower is NOT a dump stat.... but Dark Hersey rulebooks do indeed look shinyshiny :)

Much as I try to get my head around things my CAT therapist is saying, I can kinda understand that things that happen in my head are related to things happening around me, but for those interactions to be the sole cause of things? Not so sure on that part.

I have all sorts of useful diagrams and notes though, so working on trying to understand them, in the mean time I'm busy trying to solve various other issues.

A piece of poetry I found on a forum I frequent, that had been crossposted from another forum, which knowing the Internet was probably from the back of a cereal packet :P

I actually quite liked it, though some of the reading is a little bit jumpy in places

( Cut for Length )

Does anyone know a good place to get some fountain pens for drawing, along with coloured inks? It might sound odd but I've recently picked up a fountain pen for work and found myself quite enjoying sketching using that and thought I might try doing something more in depth as a way of getting me off the computer.


Also, is it worth looking at art classes?

Whilst I believe that there's many things we're capable of, I don't actually believe that science can solve everything. My reasoning behind this is that my understanding of the scientific method requires that things are both measureable and repeatable. To me there are some things that clearly aren't measurable, for example human emotions.